The Future's So Bright...

Last night's theme was the Rat Pack, so naturally the celebrity mentor was standards crooner... Jamie Foxx?? I admit to being skeptical at first, especially since the only song I know Jamie for is that one about the gold digger. (He's so 2005.) I guess his Oscar-winning turn portraying Ray Charles gives him some cred among old-timers. I guess. But as it turns out, by keeping it real and not worrying about his own image, Jamie was the best mentor of the season so far.

Kris Allen gave an admittedly safe but awfully charming rendition of "The Way You Look Tonight." Too bad (for his future publicity crew) that he's married.

Allison Iraheta busted a gut with "Someone to Watch Over Me." I am so impressed by this girl's voice and stage presence, especially in light of the wet noodle she appears to be when not singing. I don't fault her for her lack of personality. She's seventeen! Think of the alternative! She could be one of those Miley Cyrus/Jonas Brothers douchey types.

Matt Gir-ODD (yes, he's still here) sang "My Funny Valentine," one of my favorite old standards. Sorry to say, I like Matt Damon's version better. (See: Talented Mr. Ripley)

Danny Hokey started out AWFULLY boring with "Come Rain or Come Shine," and I thought he was destined to a career as a wedding singer. (Also thought, for a sec, that he'd shaved that awful chin fuzz, but it was just the mic blocking my view of the scraggly mop.) Lucky for him (unlucky for us) he really picked it up at the end, and the last 20 seconds or so of his performance was the best I've seen from him all season. So I think that means he'll be around another week or two... darn.

Adam Lambert is sssssmokin' and is seemingly incapable of a shitty performance. He sang "Feeling Good," which has been done on Idol many times before, but never like this. Randy called him theatrical, which is defnitely true, but coming from Adam (as opposed to, say, last season's Sayesha), it doesn't bother me a bit.

Farewell, Golden Child

It's happened. Anoop's storied run on Idol is over. I was really hoping he'd skate passed dull-dull-dull Matt Giraud to make it into the Top Five, if not farther, but let's face it: his song choice was not a popular one. Perhaps the blame belongs to disco. Why do the producers bother with this lame duck genre of music season after season?

I was so bored by the disco theme that I couldn't even be bothered to post about Tuesday's performances until now. I could barely bring myself to scratch out the following on a notepad as I watched:

Lil Rounds: Her hair is even longer this week. Another predictably awful song choice (Chaka Khan - "I'm Every Woman.") This is certainly her last week. Her booty looks fly but she's got some double boob going on. She looks melted and poured into that body suit.

Kris Allen: Sounds like a Carol King-inspired version of a Donna Summer song. He's improved so much since week 1, but he looks super dorky in those shiny gray pants. Simon uses his critiquing time to shit all over Lil for the second time tonight.

Allison Iraheta: If I was a singer, I'd want to sound like her. Not loving the pleather.

Danny Gokey: Smug, dorky, smug, dorky. GAG ME WITH A SPOON, I hate this song ("September" by Earth, Wind & Fire -- carmen-non-grata even at karaoke boxes.) He should be a back-up singer: great voice, zero charisma. Paula is a crackhead if she seriously thinks he'll be in the finale.

I stopped taking notes after that. Tune in next week to see who will be one step closer to becoming the next... White American Idol!

P.S. As Paula's choreographed disco number proved, Anoop and Adam are the best movers!

The Magnificent? Seven

Tonight, under the tutelage of self-proclaimed auteur Quentin Tarantino, the contestants ravish us with "Sounds of the Cinema." Perhaps as a nod to his new WWII movie, Quentin's coiffed himself in the style of Hitler, sans 'stache. And Paula's wearing a diamond-studded scoliosis brace.

The blabbermouth judges jacked it up for us last week, and out of respect for the 9 o'clock time slot, only 2 of them can comment on each performance tonight.

Allison Iruheta: Her Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" sounds kind of flat and toneless. Meh. Too bad, 'cause she could totally rock this Joan Jett-style. As Simon says, though: it was a pretty good version... for a girl.

Anoop Desai tackles "Everything I Do...," the timeless love theme from that cinematic classic, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Anoop takes Quentin's advice to "rough up" the vocals, and the result is Anoop's best vocal to date. He could totally have contributed to the Karate Kid Part II soundtrack! The audience is either booing or saying "Noop! Noop!" Randy and Paula are fans; Simon looks like a petulant child when he doesn't get to comment.

Adam Lambert: In the video clip, QT is creaming himself over this guy. Adam's rendition of "Born to be Wild" is up-tempo, screechy, and frenetic. Sorry to say, I am not digging on Adam this week, although his Axel Rose impression keeps getting better, and his raw talent is undeniable. He can do no wrong in the eyes and ears of the audience (and Paula).

Moley moley moley. Matt Giraud tries to gussy up my personal favorite among Bryan Adams's vast oeuvre, the one about what you have to do to really, really love a woman (wink, wink.) I'll admit that this guy has potential and good taste in music, but I just. don't. like him.

Danny Gokey's got some contact lenses on and looks like a pudgy, less attractive Robert Downey, Jr. QT advises Gokey to cut down on the hand gestures. Oy vey, he's singing "Endless Love." But... wait... I don't hate it. If I close my eyes and imagine him as Brian McKnight, it kind of works for me. And the looking up heavenward (dead wife-ward) as he finishes? (Tear.) (Not mine necessarily, but...)

Hey, why hasn't anyone done any Disney tunes?

Just kidding. Bad idea.

SCORE! Kris Allen wisely chooses the awesomest movie song of the last few years, "Falling Slowly," from Once. QT gives his song choice propers. (I am so thrilled that this song is finally appearing on karaoke box menus, BTW.) Could this kid be any cuter? I have a soft spot for baby monkeys who sing.

One more song of the night, but first... my favorite commercial of the year: "I like square butts and I cannot lie..." Booty is booty.

Lil Rounds's weaves keep getting longer and longer. I think all that hair is interfering with her hearing, because YET AGAIN she's picked an outdated song from bygone years: "The Rose." Snooze... she makes us wait too long for the gospel section, which livens it up a bit. QT gave her some shitty advice, methinks, about "committing" to the traditional opening. Paula didn't even bother to critique her performance, and Simon is losing patience with her lame-o choices.

In the Year 2000....

Tonight's Idol theme is the much loved/much maligned "Songs from the Year They Were Born." Inauspiciously, the oldest contestant is younger than me, born April 24, 1980. Damn you, Gokey!

Danny Gokey sings a very Muzak-inspired arrangement of "Stand by Me," but the judges lap it up. Typical!

Kris Allen (b. 1985) sings that abysmal Don Henley song, "All She Wants to Do is Dance." His version is actually more palatable that Don's, but that ain't sayin much. The judges shit all over him; Simon plays the "indulgent" and "forgettable" cards.

Lil Rounds (b. 1984) does her best Tina Turner impression, singing "What's Love Got to Do with It." I'd never download this; it truly is Tina karaoke. Her song choice keeps getting worse, but her look keeps getting better. LOVE the eye makeup!

Anoop Desai (b. 1986) puts his own soulful, buttery, sexy spin on Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors," and the judges give him his propers. YES. And so far, based on the pictures, he was by far the cutest baby of the bunch. (No surprise there.) I'm voting for you, Bedroom Eyes!

Scott MacIntyre (b. 1985) stands solo with a guitar (!) and sings a ballad I kind of recognize but don't know the name of or the artist. Journey? Survivor? I like it when Scott closes his eyes occasionally instead of that prolonged stare all the time. Still, he didn't quite hit a few of the notes. I also like when he talks back to Simon.

Allison Iraheta (b. 1992) tackles Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" and, with her kool-aid colored hair, is really starting to resemble Brittany Murphy in Clueless (pre-Cher's makeover.) Damn, she was 2 when that movie came out. Freakin crazy. I like this girl though; she's reliable.

Matt Giraud (b. 1985) is a Taurus. Shocker. But the question that wasn't answered: at what age did he grow that forehead mole? He smartly sings a Stevie tune. Not so smartly, it's "Part-time Lover." SUckAgE. But the judges wet themselves over it! Standing O, Paula?!

Adam Lambert (b. 1982) wasn't into sports as a kid. Again, SHOCKER. Also, black isn't his natural hair color. He sings the R.E.M.(?) song from Donnie Darko: "Mad World." It starts a lot like the original, but in the second verse he plays with the phrasing and puts his Lambert flavor in it and stands up from his chair. This kid is going places, I guarantee you. Simon gives him a standing ovation, which I have never seen in three seasons of watching this show.