What does 'Opry' mean anyway?

American Idol: 3.17.09

The theme tonight is Grand Ole Opry. Just so you know up front, I’m not gonna know many of the song choices, so if you missed the show, look elsewhere for the important details.

Michael Sarver: Why, with so many lyrics to sing, does dude think he can afford to direct any of his attention to shaking fands (fan + hands)? He always looks constipated when he sings. I wouldn’t want him to sit on me; those thighs! It’d be pretty devastating for him if he’s voted off during his country week since that’s his hometown genre. But I don’t care; I’m ready for him to go buh-bye.

Alison Iruheta looks super cute tonight! Good job, stylists! I don’t like this genre for her, but I love, love, love her raspy voice. Also love the cutaways of her immigrant padres.

Kris Allen: Oh, I know this song! I think Adele remade it. I had no idea it was a Garth Brooks tune (“To Make You Feel My Love”). OK, I am slowly starting to get this kid’s appeal. He’s got kind of a monkey face though. (BTW, this performance was so Jason Castro.)

Lil Rounds: No, Simon, it’s not “Little,” it’s Lil, as in short for Lily or Lilac or Lilah. I agree with the judges that there was something queer about her song choice. It was too country for her.

Love her anyway.

Adam Lambert: Digging the peacock hairdo. Yikes, not sure this Arabian “Ring of Fire” is working for me. Hmm. Wait a minute. It’s growing on me. It’s brilliant! Simon isn’t hip enough to get it.

A newly coifed Scott MacIntyre plays it safe and spurs a lengthy argument between Paula and Simon over whether he should try performing sans piano. I think Simon’s right on this one: just pick better songs, man.

Alexis Grace: Pitchy, dawg, real pitchy. I think they’re all coached to say “I had fun” when the judges shit on them.

It's kind of fun to see straight-A student Danny Gokey choke again and again in his "Practice with Randy Travis" video clip. As for tonight's performance of "Jesus Take the Wheel," the verses left me cold but he did okay with the chorus. I gotta say, I liked this song a lot more when Lakisha Jones sang it (Flinttown, represent!) There's something smug behind his smile.

Anoop Desai reaches full-on hunk status singing Willie Nelson's "You Were Always On My Mind." Oh, those eyes! Those silky vocals! Like buttah.

Megan Joy (no Corkrey) puts her own spin on a very spun Patsy Cline tune and sounds crazier than ever. It's awful. The stylists must've advised her to skip the bra tonight because they know that's her only chance to advance. I cannot BELIEVE she keeps getting favorable feedback from all four judges. WTF?! (To be fair, I guess I should mention she has influenza B.)

Matt Giraud attempts to make a Carrie Underwood song "a more heartfelt version." Ouch, sorry, Carrie. The piano playing elevates the performance, but I don't love it.

Let's put the kibosh on the white-washing of this competition (I miss you, Jorge!): Tonight I'm voting for Lil, Alison and Anoop, foremost for their vocals but also cuz I like at least a little bit of color in my Idol. Word.

American Idol Does Jacko

Sure, sure... I was excited to see the Top 13 perform... but I was NOT prepared for an entire night of Michael Jackson songs! A 2-hour Michael Jackson event! SHAMON! The only disappointment was realizing that the King of Pop himself would not be there to mentor the notestants. Because he's holed up in his Bruneian castle tower knitting Prince Michael, Paris and Blanket some new butterfly masks.

• First up is Lil Rounds and her very round booty singing "(The Way You) Make Me Feel." To me, it sounds pretty dated, and it's always lame when someone has to change all the "girls" to "boys" to suit their hetero persona (She also had to sing, "Hey pretty baby, got my high heels on.") The judges love it, but hate what she's wearing. Here's a lil' tip, Lil: Don't take fashion (or make-up) advice from Paula, who tonight looks like she got dressed to audition for the role of Jareth the Goblin King. Or maybe a Dark Crystal muppet.
  

• Scott McIntyre chooses "Keep the Faith," which he performs at the piano. I like his obscure song choice, but the judges play him. Love ya, Scott, but... somebody get this man a haircut! Don't they have stylists on staff? He can't see; help him!
  

• Mr. Church Camp, Danny Gokey, singing "P.Y.T." with a whole lotta soul and some seriously chatty dancing. The judges lap it up, but I am underwhelmed.

• Big country boy Michael singing "You Are Not Alone," which, in the words of Paula, is a "distinctually perfect" song choice for him.

• Jasmine Murray skates close to the wall by choosing "I'll Be There," which is Jackson Five, but whatever.

• Kris Allen sings "Remember the Time," a song we've all been trying to forget since the Eddie Murphy music video. Too bad he picked such a dud because his voice is well-suited for the MJJ canon, as he demonstrated with his performance of "Man in the Mirror" in the middle rounds.
  

• Alison Iruheta sings the underrated "Give in to Me" from the Dangerous album. I really like her rocker edge. She could totally record this song and make it the hit it never was for Michael. I also like how she completely sticks her foot in her mouth and/or flubs everytime she has to talk as herself or answer a question. Rock on, girl!

• Anoop Dawg is an only child! I knew I liked him. His mom is super-chic, too. His rendition of "Beat It" is way better than the version I sing at karaoke, but Paula called his version "karaoke" anyway. I think I heard him screw up one of the lyrics, too. I agree with Simon that it lacked agression. But gee, Anoop sure is cute. He's gotta get out of his frat boy comfort zone and bring it next week.

• Adorable Jorge Nunez is the second person to select a Jackson Five tune: "Never Can Say Goodbye," a goodie. I love this kid's voice and the judges are stupid. Note to the Kara, et. al.: stop using the "Maybe because it's your second language..." thing as your go-to critique of Jorge.

• A pretty blond single mama named Megan is next. Why does she feel the need to use her middle name (Joy) with a surname like Corkrey? And "Rockin' Robin?" Seriously? She looks like she can't quite believe it herself!

• Future rock band front man Adam Lambert is so comfortable on stage that he takes a mini-pause while singin' "Black or White" to shake some fan-girls' hands. I kind of like his Guns N Roses take on this song. He's one of the best tonight.

• Matt G takes a bite out of "Human Nature" and I am disappointed there aren't 12 more singers to go, 'cause we all know Jacko's got the song library to back them up. Matt does a fine job from behind the piano, but I can't help thinking the producers F'ed up by not making Adam's performance tonight's finale.

Crap, there's still one more. I was thinking there were only 12 of them. Can you tell I'm typing this as I'm watching? Lord knows I need something to do during commercials besides raid the cupboards.

• Alexis Grace sings "Dirty Diana" rather breathlessly (that song has a lot of lyrics) but I kind of like the Ani DiFranco-esque vibe she brings to it. And I'm really thankful she didn't change it to "Dirty Duane."

To lure us away from the concurrent broadcast of "Lost," Seacrest reveals that tomorrow night's results show will feature a surprise format change. I really hope Simon's gonna have to sing.

The Bachelor Finale and its ancillary broadcasts

Air date: 3/2/09 & 3/3/09


Stupid monkey! You're supposed to pick one pretty lady!

It's all over popular media, so unless you're one of those snobby bougies who listen only to NPR and have their browser default set to Salon.com, you've no doubt heard what makes Seattle's Jason Mesnick THE. WORST. BACHELOR. EVER.

When we'd last spent a Monday night with Jason, he'd narrowed his choice of fiancee down to two nubile and sporty ladies in their mid 20s: Melissa (a brunette with puppy dog eyes) and Molly (a blond with kitty cat eyes.) In tonight's finale, he introduced both "amazing women" to his toddler son, Ty. Jason has said repeatedly throughout this season that he couldn't fall in love with someone until he'd seen how they were with Ty. Wouldn't it be AWESOME if Ty got a bad mommy vibe from one of these two women and gave her the cold shoulder, thus making Jason's decision for him...? Yeah, that didn't happen. They all played nice together and the show's first hour was incredibly droll. Even their final date, during which a half-naked Molly gave a half-naked Jason a hot oil rubdown from the full mount position, couldn't have been any less sexy. (I blame Jason's complete lack of sex appeal, but the florescent lighting certainly didn't help.) The morning of the final rose ceremony, Jason laments in voice-over that he's in love with two women and that he never in a million years expected this to happen. Seriously, dude? Have you not seen this show before?

Yada Yada Yada... some other "dramatic" bullshit happens, and near the end of the very long two-hour broadcast, Jason ends up sending Molly home. She immediately starts repeating the refrain "You're making a big mistake" and staring him down with her penetrating green cat eyes. This must have been the part where she put her voodoo curse on him. During her loser's limo ride, she kept saying it to the off-camera person sitting across from her (ostensibly some kind of mental health professional?): "He's making a HUGE mistake..." Back at his bachelor pad, Jason proceeds to lose his shit, crying so hard it looks like he might hurl himself off the balcony (or just hurl.) When Melissa finally shows up (looking very pretty, I might add, in a springy yellow gown), he pretends to be happy about proposing to her. She accepts, and they all (Ty is there, too, donning a bow-tie) do a back flip into the pool with their fancy clothes on.

Don't get too excited.

Fast forward six weeks (in the span of a single commercial break) to the "After the Final Rose" special. Here's Chris Harrison standing on an empty stage and telling us the lack of studio audience is due to the premise that tonight's show will be SO EMOTIONAL that they've kept things as intimate as possible. (Am I the only one who thought somebody died tragically? But, no. If only.) Jason tells Chris that -- after six weeks of long-distance romance with fiancee Melissa -- he has realized they're "not right for each other." "The chemistry's changed." "I can't stop thinking about Molly." Oh, REALLY? So they bring poor Melissa out, who must sense something is awry but seems in the dark about what it might be. Old boy breaks up with her right then and there, with Chris Harrison sitting an arm's length away. Melissa's reaction is poised but honest. She looks at her hands and mutters to herself, "You are such a bastard." BINGO.

It gets worse. After they send Melissa packing sans engagement rock, they bring out cast-off Molly, who has no clue what's just happened because she's been sequestered in some soundproof hoochie box. With Chris Harrison attempting to facilitate this debacle civilly, Jason tells her he's just broken up with Melissa; that he thinks he made a mistake when he sent her (Molly) home. Molly at first feigns sympathy for Melissa, and for an instant it seems like she is thinking what millions of viewers are thinking about her former paramour (i.e., "you douche bag".) But as soon as Jason turns his cheeseball dial up to its usual resting place of maximum overdrive, and starts laying on the goo about how he's still in love with her, he gets her total buy-in. Not only does she look ecstatic about this news, she very artfully slips him the tongue. They proceed to make out right then and there. What?! When the show ends, it appears as if Jason and Molly are going to leave the studio and go directly to Jason's hotel room to shag. Molly, Molly, Molly... ever heard the term "player hater?" Well you're the only one not hating this PLAYA! Boo!

UPDATE: In March 3rd's "After the Final Rose: Part II", viewers were propelled another 6 weeks into the future, this time with a (surprisingly forgiving) studio audience present. Jason and Molly are still together, and they're making plans for Molly to leave her home in Michigan and move to Seattle. Melissa, smartly, declined the invitation to appear on this special, but sent a very mature message through Chris Harrison saying she doesn't regret anything that happened because she's learned a lot from it. I am so relieved that she was NOT revealed as the next Bachelorette. That distinction belongs to 2nd runner-up Jillian, with whom Jason got freaky-deaky in the hot tub, and then dumped because he got too much of a "friend vibe" from her. Incidentally, Jason is now calling Molly his "best friend," which I'm pretty sure is what Jillian was trying to tell him he needed ("At the end of the day, you're going to want to be with your best friend...") right before and after he dropped her on her friendly, Canadian-accented ass.

Which reminds me, do reality show contestants attend a crash-course that teaches them all to use the same cliches and platitudes in their speech? On any given reality show (Top Chef, Real Housewives, Survivor, The Bachelor) on any given day, I guarantee you will hear each of the follwing at least once:
"...threw me under the bus..."
"At the end of the day...."
"It is what it is."

PAQs

Question: Why am I starting a blog about the TV shows I watch?

Answer1: To justify watching them.

Answer2: Because I'm sick of my television-less friends (you know who you are, losers) never knowing what the hell I'm talking about when I talk about TV. (Read: When I talk.)

Answer3: Because I am underemployed and overindulged.


Question: Isn't this just going to be a po' man's version of TelevisionWithoutPity.com?

Answer1: That site ain't even funny anymore.

Answer2: That site sold out to The Man.

Answer3: In essence, yes.


Question: What does "PAQ" stand for, anyway?

Answer1: Potentially Asked Question

Answer2: Preemptively Answered Question

Answer3: Plumber's Ass Qurack