Get Ready for a BIG Ding-Dong!

(That's what he said.)

OMG, OMG, OMG! The final two Idolists have been revealed, and they are ADAM LAMBERT and KRIS ALLEN! America is on a roll: first we elect Obama, and now the two dudes who actually deserve a shot at the Idol title are going to get it! I admit to not watching the results show (opting instead to watch the Lost season finale, exorbitant # of commercials and all), but here's what I thought of Tuesday night's performances:

Danny Gokey #1: Paula chose the Terence Trent D'arby song "Dance Little Sister." (How ironic that Danny himself can't dance.) Paula said she picked Terence because he became iconic overnight (yeah, because he posed naked on his album cover! Don't go there, Gokey.) For a second I thought Randy was playing sax, but then, upon further inspection, I saw it was just Al Roker. Just kidding, it was some other fat guy. Anyway, the D'arby sentiment was a good one, I think, but the song choice was, nevertheless, wrong. Marc said he always used to skip this track when he would listen to the album. To which I replied, "You actually owned a Terence Trent D'arby album!?" (Also: how do you skip tracks on a cassette tape?)

Kris Allen #1: BFFs Randy and Kara picked One Republic's "Apologize." Monkey-boy sang the whole number sitting at the piano, which I was a tad disappointed by. I would have liked him to start out predictably and then turn the song on its head. It was sound-alike all the way through, albeit a very pleasant sounding sound-alike.

Adam Lambert #1: Cowell chose one of his (and my) favorite songs, U2's "One." I like the soft side of Adam, which was on full display for this song. He looks kind of like a Vulcan. I love his quiet confidence. After this performance, it appeared as if Paula finally realized that Gokey is NOT going to win.

Gokey #2: This dude is so long-winded! He loves to hear himself talk. He picked the pukiest of all puketies-- Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful," a.k.a. the song that Little Rascal Alfalfa sings to his girlfriend. This is the Gokey I loathe: shmaltzy and tight-pantsed and wedding singeresque. His performance improved about halfway through when he busted out the strong vocals, but for me, it was too little too late. That's just my O-pinion, Danny.

Kris #2: Monkey did a solid by choosing Kanye West's "Heartless" for himself. I actually don't know this song so couldn't compare it to anything, but it made me think Kris could be a very sucessful Jason Mraz-y type.

Adam #2: Aerosmith's "Cryin" -- a great music video, BTW. Remember when Alicia Silverstone was THE hot chick? Adam is a natural born rock star. (Did you see him on the cover of EW this week?) Every time he screams, I expect his tongue to be forked.

Rocknrolla

What is under your sunglasses, Slash? Will the public ever know?

Yeah, so, it's Rock Week. The four remaining contestants walk onstage clad in tight black leather, punky hairdos, etc. Except for Gokey, that is, who looks especially boring tonight in a red button-down shirt. Celebrity mentor Slash isn't known for his voice, and he doesn't use it much tonight either. He kind of just... plays guitar and looks cool. That's all well and good for Adam gLambert, who doesn't seem to need advice from anybody...

Adam sings Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love." Who else could pull off Zeppelin, I ask you?! Nobody! Adam sounds as good as (if not better than) Robert Plant himself. He has got some serious rock chops and a whole lotta 'tude. As I correctly surmised during the performance, Ryan tells us this is the first time anyone on Idol has attempted a Zeppelin tune. And probably the last, because that was a really tough act to follow. Poor Allison...

Allison wisely chooses a Janis Joplin number, but unfortunately, it's the unmelodic "Cry, Baby." For me, she slightly underwhelms; it just seems to lack ferocity. The judges don't dig the song choice, which prompts her to get feisty and talk back to them for the first time ever. It kind of looks like she's acting irritated so that she won't cry. Aw.

Okay, now it's time for the first of two duets. Kris and Danny collabortate on "Renegade" by Styx. They look scared and unsure. Kris is doing pretty rockin' maneuvers with the mic stand, but Danny just stands there like a 'tard gesturing with his damn hands again. These guys are totally ignoring each other onstage and the result is lame and boring. Predictably, Simon seizes the opportunity to turn it into a competition and calls Danny out as being better than Kris. What?! Kris is visibly miffed and it makes me think that maybe these two guys don't get along.... Kris Allen's stock just went up a few points in my book.

After the break, Kris attempts to redeem himself with The Beatles' "Come Together." I think it's a bad move to do a Beatles song after TWO WEEKS of Beatles last season, but I think his version is pleasant enough. He's certainly cute enough to be a Beatle; his crooked mouth is really growing on me. But the critiques from the judges are DIRE, and one gets the impression that it's been their plan all along to shank him right before the semifinals. All for the love of...

...Danny Hokey. Afer Kris sang but before they cut to commercial, the camera tried to locate Danny, surrounded by fans in the mosh pit. I could not even see the guy; he blended in with all the nobodies. He's like a fat Where's Waldo. Except instead of stripes, he's wearing chunky, hideous costume jewelry. Ew. Anyway, he sings "Dream On," and it's baaaaaad. The last note (or scream, if you will) is perhaps the worst note uttered by anyone on the Idol stage this year. But does that stop him from donning his usual smug, self-satisfied stare? Uh, no. Here's a question for you: how do the contestants (Danny in particular) avoid pit stains?

Expectations are low for our second duet: Adam and Allison singing "Slow Ride." (I was hoping they'd do "Under Pressure." Lambert needs to get his Bowie on STAT.) Unlike Tweedle Twee and Dweedle Dufus, these two know how to share the stage. They engage with each other. It's brilliant. Love Adam in those tight striped pants, but he needs to get a cod piece if he wants to be a rocker. Especially if he's going to tackle Bowie between now and winning the Idol crown.

The Future's So Bright...

Last night's theme was the Rat Pack, so naturally the celebrity mentor was standards crooner... Jamie Foxx?? I admit to being skeptical at first, especially since the only song I know Jamie for is that one about the gold digger. (He's so 2005.) I guess his Oscar-winning turn portraying Ray Charles gives him some cred among old-timers. I guess. But as it turns out, by keeping it real and not worrying about his own image, Jamie was the best mentor of the season so far.

Kris Allen gave an admittedly safe but awfully charming rendition of "The Way You Look Tonight." Too bad (for his future publicity crew) that he's married.

Allison Iraheta busted a gut with "Someone to Watch Over Me." I am so impressed by this girl's voice and stage presence, especially in light of the wet noodle she appears to be when not singing. I don't fault her for her lack of personality. She's seventeen! Think of the alternative! She could be one of those Miley Cyrus/Jonas Brothers douchey types.

Matt Gir-ODD (yes, he's still here) sang "My Funny Valentine," one of my favorite old standards. Sorry to say, I like Matt Damon's version better. (See: Talented Mr. Ripley)

Danny Hokey started out AWFULLY boring with "Come Rain or Come Shine," and I thought he was destined to a career as a wedding singer. (Also thought, for a sec, that he'd shaved that awful chin fuzz, but it was just the mic blocking my view of the scraggly mop.) Lucky for him (unlucky for us) he really picked it up at the end, and the last 20 seconds or so of his performance was the best I've seen from him all season. So I think that means he'll be around another week or two... darn.

Adam Lambert is sssssmokin' and is seemingly incapable of a shitty performance. He sang "Feeling Good," which has been done on Idol many times before, but never like this. Randy called him theatrical, which is defnitely true, but coming from Adam (as opposed to, say, last season's Sayesha), it doesn't bother me a bit.

Farewell, Golden Child

It's happened. Anoop's storied run on Idol is over. I was really hoping he'd skate passed dull-dull-dull Matt Giraud to make it into the Top Five, if not farther, but let's face it: his song choice was not a popular one. Perhaps the blame belongs to disco. Why do the producers bother with this lame duck genre of music season after season?

I was so bored by the disco theme that I couldn't even be bothered to post about Tuesday's performances until now. I could barely bring myself to scratch out the following on a notepad as I watched:

Lil Rounds: Her hair is even longer this week. Another predictably awful song choice (Chaka Khan - "I'm Every Woman.") This is certainly her last week. Her booty looks fly but she's got some double boob going on. She looks melted and poured into that body suit.

Kris Allen: Sounds like a Carol King-inspired version of a Donna Summer song. He's improved so much since week 1, but he looks super dorky in those shiny gray pants. Simon uses his critiquing time to shit all over Lil for the second time tonight.

Allison Iraheta: If I was a singer, I'd want to sound like her. Not loving the pleather.

Danny Gokey: Smug, dorky, smug, dorky. GAG ME WITH A SPOON, I hate this song ("September" by Earth, Wind & Fire -- carmen-non-grata even at karaoke boxes.) He should be a back-up singer: great voice, zero charisma. Paula is a crackhead if she seriously thinks he'll be in the finale.

I stopped taking notes after that. Tune in next week to see who will be one step closer to becoming the next... White American Idol!

P.S. As Paula's choreographed disco number proved, Anoop and Adam are the best movers!

The Magnificent? Seven

Tonight, under the tutelage of self-proclaimed auteur Quentin Tarantino, the contestants ravish us with "Sounds of the Cinema." Perhaps as a nod to his new WWII movie, Quentin's coiffed himself in the style of Hitler, sans 'stache. And Paula's wearing a diamond-studded scoliosis brace.

The blabbermouth judges jacked it up for us last week, and out of respect for the 9 o'clock time slot, only 2 of them can comment on each performance tonight.

Allison Iruheta: Her Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" sounds kind of flat and toneless. Meh. Too bad, 'cause she could totally rock this Joan Jett-style. As Simon says, though: it was a pretty good version... for a girl.

Anoop Desai tackles "Everything I Do...," the timeless love theme from that cinematic classic, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Anoop takes Quentin's advice to "rough up" the vocals, and the result is Anoop's best vocal to date. He could totally have contributed to the Karate Kid Part II soundtrack! The audience is either booing or saying "Noop! Noop!" Randy and Paula are fans; Simon looks like a petulant child when he doesn't get to comment.

Adam Lambert: In the video clip, QT is creaming himself over this guy. Adam's rendition of "Born to be Wild" is up-tempo, screechy, and frenetic. Sorry to say, I am not digging on Adam this week, although his Axel Rose impression keeps getting better, and his raw talent is undeniable. He can do no wrong in the eyes and ears of the audience (and Paula).

Moley moley moley. Matt Giraud tries to gussy up my personal favorite among Bryan Adams's vast oeuvre, the one about what you have to do to really, really love a woman (wink, wink.) I'll admit that this guy has potential and good taste in music, but I just. don't. like him.

Danny Gokey's got some contact lenses on and looks like a pudgy, less attractive Robert Downey, Jr. QT advises Gokey to cut down on the hand gestures. Oy vey, he's singing "Endless Love." But... wait... I don't hate it. If I close my eyes and imagine him as Brian McKnight, it kind of works for me. And the looking up heavenward (dead wife-ward) as he finishes? (Tear.) (Not mine necessarily, but...)

Hey, why hasn't anyone done any Disney tunes?

Just kidding. Bad idea.

SCORE! Kris Allen wisely chooses the awesomest movie song of the last few years, "Falling Slowly," from Once. QT gives his song choice propers. (I am so thrilled that this song is finally appearing on karaoke box menus, BTW.) Could this kid be any cuter? I have a soft spot for baby monkeys who sing.

One more song of the night, but first... my favorite commercial of the year: "I like square butts and I cannot lie..." Booty is booty.

Lil Rounds's weaves keep getting longer and longer. I think all that hair is interfering with her hearing, because YET AGAIN she's picked an outdated song from bygone years: "The Rose." Snooze... she makes us wait too long for the gospel section, which livens it up a bit. QT gave her some shitty advice, methinks, about "committing" to the traditional opening. Paula didn't even bother to critique her performance, and Simon is losing patience with her lame-o choices.

In the Year 2000....

Tonight's Idol theme is the much loved/much maligned "Songs from the Year They Were Born." Inauspiciously, the oldest contestant is younger than me, born April 24, 1980. Damn you, Gokey!

Danny Gokey sings a very Muzak-inspired arrangement of "Stand by Me," but the judges lap it up. Typical!

Kris Allen (b. 1985) sings that abysmal Don Henley song, "All She Wants to Do is Dance." His version is actually more palatable that Don's, but that ain't sayin much. The judges shit all over him; Simon plays the "indulgent" and "forgettable" cards.

Lil Rounds (b. 1984) does her best Tina Turner impression, singing "What's Love Got to Do with It." I'd never download this; it truly is Tina karaoke. Her song choice keeps getting worse, but her look keeps getting better. LOVE the eye makeup!

Anoop Desai (b. 1986) puts his own soulful, buttery, sexy spin on Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors," and the judges give him his propers. YES. And so far, based on the pictures, he was by far the cutest baby of the bunch. (No surprise there.) I'm voting for you, Bedroom Eyes!

Scott MacIntyre (b. 1985) stands solo with a guitar (!) and sings a ballad I kind of recognize but don't know the name of or the artist. Journey? Survivor? I like it when Scott closes his eyes occasionally instead of that prolonged stare all the time. Still, he didn't quite hit a few of the notes. I also like when he talks back to Simon.

Allison Iraheta (b. 1992) tackles Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" and, with her kool-aid colored hair, is really starting to resemble Brittany Murphy in Clueless (pre-Cher's makeover.) Damn, she was 2 when that movie came out. Freakin crazy. I like this girl though; she's reliable.

Matt Giraud (b. 1985) is a Taurus. Shocker. But the question that wasn't answered: at what age did he grow that forehead mole? He smartly sings a Stevie tune. Not so smartly, it's "Part-time Lover." SUckAgE. But the judges wet themselves over it! Standing O, Paula?!

Adam Lambert (b. 1982) wasn't into sports as a kid. Again, SHOCKER. Also, black isn't his natural hair color. He sings the R.E.M.(?) song from Donnie Darko: "Mad World." It starts a lot like the original, but in the second verse he plays with the phrasing and puts his Lambert flavor in it and stands up from his chair. This kid is going places, I guarantee you. Simon gives him a standing ovation, which I have never seen in three seasons of watching this show.

What does 'Opry' mean anyway?

American Idol: 3.17.09

The theme tonight is Grand Ole Opry. Just so you know up front, I’m not gonna know many of the song choices, so if you missed the show, look elsewhere for the important details.

Michael Sarver: Why, with so many lyrics to sing, does dude think he can afford to direct any of his attention to shaking fands (fan + hands)? He always looks constipated when he sings. I wouldn’t want him to sit on me; those thighs! It’d be pretty devastating for him if he’s voted off during his country week since that’s his hometown genre. But I don’t care; I’m ready for him to go buh-bye.

Alison Iruheta looks super cute tonight! Good job, stylists! I don’t like this genre for her, but I love, love, love her raspy voice. Also love the cutaways of her immigrant padres.

Kris Allen: Oh, I know this song! I think Adele remade it. I had no idea it was a Garth Brooks tune (“To Make You Feel My Love”). OK, I am slowly starting to get this kid’s appeal. He’s got kind of a monkey face though. (BTW, this performance was so Jason Castro.)

Lil Rounds: No, Simon, it’s not “Little,” it’s Lil, as in short for Lily or Lilac or Lilah. I agree with the judges that there was something queer about her song choice. It was too country for her.

Love her anyway.

Adam Lambert: Digging the peacock hairdo. Yikes, not sure this Arabian “Ring of Fire” is working for me. Hmm. Wait a minute. It’s growing on me. It’s brilliant! Simon isn’t hip enough to get it.

A newly coifed Scott MacIntyre plays it safe and spurs a lengthy argument between Paula and Simon over whether he should try performing sans piano. I think Simon’s right on this one: just pick better songs, man.

Alexis Grace: Pitchy, dawg, real pitchy. I think they’re all coached to say “I had fun” when the judges shit on them.

It's kind of fun to see straight-A student Danny Gokey choke again and again in his "Practice with Randy Travis" video clip. As for tonight's performance of "Jesus Take the Wheel," the verses left me cold but he did okay with the chorus. I gotta say, I liked this song a lot more when Lakisha Jones sang it (Flinttown, represent!) There's something smug behind his smile.

Anoop Desai reaches full-on hunk status singing Willie Nelson's "You Were Always On My Mind." Oh, those eyes! Those silky vocals! Like buttah.

Megan Joy (no Corkrey) puts her own spin on a very spun Patsy Cline tune and sounds crazier than ever. It's awful. The stylists must've advised her to skip the bra tonight because they know that's her only chance to advance. I cannot BELIEVE she keeps getting favorable feedback from all four judges. WTF?! (To be fair, I guess I should mention she has influenza B.)

Matt Giraud attempts to make a Carrie Underwood song "a more heartfelt version." Ouch, sorry, Carrie. The piano playing elevates the performance, but I don't love it.

Let's put the kibosh on the white-washing of this competition (I miss you, Jorge!): Tonight I'm voting for Lil, Alison and Anoop, foremost for their vocals but also cuz I like at least a little bit of color in my Idol. Word.

American Idol Does Jacko

Sure, sure... I was excited to see the Top 13 perform... but I was NOT prepared for an entire night of Michael Jackson songs! A 2-hour Michael Jackson event! SHAMON! The only disappointment was realizing that the King of Pop himself would not be there to mentor the notestants. Because he's holed up in his Bruneian castle tower knitting Prince Michael, Paris and Blanket some new butterfly masks.

• First up is Lil Rounds and her very round booty singing "(The Way You) Make Me Feel." To me, it sounds pretty dated, and it's always lame when someone has to change all the "girls" to "boys" to suit their hetero persona (She also had to sing, "Hey pretty baby, got my high heels on.") The judges love it, but hate what she's wearing. Here's a lil' tip, Lil: Don't take fashion (or make-up) advice from Paula, who tonight looks like she got dressed to audition for the role of Jareth the Goblin King. Or maybe a Dark Crystal muppet.
  

• Scott McIntyre chooses "Keep the Faith," which he performs at the piano. I like his obscure song choice, but the judges play him. Love ya, Scott, but... somebody get this man a haircut! Don't they have stylists on staff? He can't see; help him!
  

• Mr. Church Camp, Danny Gokey, singing "P.Y.T." with a whole lotta soul and some seriously chatty dancing. The judges lap it up, but I am underwhelmed.

• Big country boy Michael singing "You Are Not Alone," which, in the words of Paula, is a "distinctually perfect" song choice for him.

• Jasmine Murray skates close to the wall by choosing "I'll Be There," which is Jackson Five, but whatever.

• Kris Allen sings "Remember the Time," a song we've all been trying to forget since the Eddie Murphy music video. Too bad he picked such a dud because his voice is well-suited for the MJJ canon, as he demonstrated with his performance of "Man in the Mirror" in the middle rounds.
  

• Alison Iruheta sings the underrated "Give in to Me" from the Dangerous album. I really like her rocker edge. She could totally record this song and make it the hit it never was for Michael. I also like how she completely sticks her foot in her mouth and/or flubs everytime she has to talk as herself or answer a question. Rock on, girl!

• Anoop Dawg is an only child! I knew I liked him. His mom is super-chic, too. His rendition of "Beat It" is way better than the version I sing at karaoke, but Paula called his version "karaoke" anyway. I think I heard him screw up one of the lyrics, too. I agree with Simon that it lacked agression. But gee, Anoop sure is cute. He's gotta get out of his frat boy comfort zone and bring it next week.

• Adorable Jorge Nunez is the second person to select a Jackson Five tune: "Never Can Say Goodbye," a goodie. I love this kid's voice and the judges are stupid. Note to the Kara, et. al.: stop using the "Maybe because it's your second language..." thing as your go-to critique of Jorge.

• A pretty blond single mama named Megan is next. Why does she feel the need to use her middle name (Joy) with a surname like Corkrey? And "Rockin' Robin?" Seriously? She looks like she can't quite believe it herself!

• Future rock band front man Adam Lambert is so comfortable on stage that he takes a mini-pause while singin' "Black or White" to shake some fan-girls' hands. I kind of like his Guns N Roses take on this song. He's one of the best tonight.

• Matt G takes a bite out of "Human Nature" and I am disappointed there aren't 12 more singers to go, 'cause we all know Jacko's got the song library to back them up. Matt does a fine job from behind the piano, but I can't help thinking the producers F'ed up by not making Adam's performance tonight's finale.

Crap, there's still one more. I was thinking there were only 12 of them. Can you tell I'm typing this as I'm watching? Lord knows I need something to do during commercials besides raid the cupboards.

• Alexis Grace sings "Dirty Diana" rather breathlessly (that song has a lot of lyrics) but I kind of like the Ani DiFranco-esque vibe she brings to it. And I'm really thankful she didn't change it to "Dirty Duane."

To lure us away from the concurrent broadcast of "Lost," Seacrest reveals that tomorrow night's results show will feature a surprise format change. I really hope Simon's gonna have to sing.