The Guy Next Door vs. The GuyLiner

"I am a superstar in the making. I am the next American Idol."
--Adam Lambert, ostensibly said on the day of his first audition

Here we go, judges: Kara looks nauseous. Randy is wearing a purple tie and a purple shirt. Paula is wearing a dress made from the hide of Slimer. And Simon Cowell... eh, I don't have any comment about his appearance because he always looks the same. I wonder what he'd look like wearing a print? Say, a tartan plaid flannel shirt?

Kris won the coin toss (brought to you by a Coca-Cola coin) and he'll be going second. You know what that means... get ready for the glam man! But first a commercial, which is lucky for me, 'cuz my cookies are done. (Tonight, in honor of this momentous event, I'm simul-blogging, so no, you will NOT be spared the details.) Now on to the contestants' personal song picks:

Adam picks his biggest hit of the season so far, "Mad World." He looks awesome in silhouette, wearing a long trench coat and futuristic boots. (Dude, how come no sing Bowie? If they ever remake Todd Haynes' Velvet Underground ((heh, yeah like that'll happen)), Adam should play the rock idol.) How does he do that with his eyes? Randy gives him an A+. Kara is also a fan of the rehashed song choice because she considered that first pivotal performance a game changer. Paula claims it's "unbelievable" that he's standing on that stage right now... just what is unbelievable about it? He's been the forerunner for weeks, lady!

Awww, when he was a kid, Kris gave his mom handmade coupons for "music." I used to do that, too. My mom never redeemed them. For his personal pick, Kris has chosen "Ain't No Sunshine," which he performs at the piano. And it's a hot one. Cowell admits he wasn't sure whether America was right to pick Kris over Gokey, but says after hearing that performance, he's changed his mind. (No reaction shot of Gokey here, unfortunately.)

Simon Fuller's picks:

Adam does Sam Cooke's "Change is Gonna Come" and I can't think of a stranger song choice for him. Unless perhaps Fuller's trying to get Adam to demonstrate the far-reachedness of his range? But Adam's "theatrical" facial expressions don't do this song any favors, frankly. Still, the vocals are solid and his more sincere emotions come through by the end. Kara and Paula go a bit cuckoo with their praise, while all Simon says is, "You're 100% back in the game." As if he ever left-?

Katie Holmes and Suri in da house. Mama Holmes is covering Suri's ears. Well, it is a concert, lady. You don't have to bring your Baby Alive everywhere.

Kris plays guitar for Marvin Gaye's "What's Goin On." This song has never sounded so relevant as it does tonight. Whenever I hear Marvin's version, I think, "Ugh, this is so late 70s." But hearing Kris do it, I can actually appreciate the timeless qualities of the melody and lyrics, and not the datedness. Well done, lad. Randy thinks it's a little too light for the venue, but Kara disagrees and says Kris could enact social change with his music. Simon has a Jason Castro flashback and says it was all a bit "dorm room."

Cookies all gone. Me sad.

Top 12 reunion shot! Anoop's growing a depression beard and Scott apparently has no idea they're onscreen because he looks dour. And a bit haggard. Guess that one haircut was all he got.

Kara co-wrote this year's Idol song, "No Boundaries" (or some inspirational shite like that.) They're both going to sing the same song, apparently. That's pretty cruel. Is Adam wearing shorts? I thought I saw leg. No, they're skin tight bleach-treated jeans. OK, good. This seems like a really tough song to sing. Kara looks nauseous again. (She knows Simon's gonna shit on the lyrics.) Simon praises Adam and says he deserves the title. Hmmm. If he wins, does his first single have to be this mountains/hurricane song?

I can hear my cat puking in the other room. I'm serious.

Here we go again. "No Boundaries" as sung by Kris Allen. Snore. You'd think this type of song would be better suited for Kris's mainstream poppy style, but actually, I think I liked Adam's version a little better. Is Kris trying to grow a mustache? The judges seem to agree the key was too high for him, but ask people to vote based on the season and not on this final (lackluster) performance.

Who knows what will happen at tomorrow's results show, and I have to wonder: do these guys even care? Because let's be real: they are both guaranteed success in the music industry, with or without the title of American Idol. The judges love them both; the fans love them both; they are both different kinds of artists: separate but relatively equal. I think they're just relieved the competition is over and they can get to makin' records, makin' money and makin' love.

P.S. Carrie Underwood's jeans/boots combo is really cute.

Blame Canada

With all the flagship reality competitions wrapping up this week (Survivor; Dancing with the Stars; Idol), I thought I'd better hop on some new TV bandwagons, lest I find myself halfway into summer with no shows to watch, let alone blog about. So I hunkered down with some TJ chocolate-covered pretzel slims and a notepad to watch the premiere of the latest incarnation of The Bachelorette, starring ex-Bachelor Jason Mesnick's jilted second-runner-up, Jillian Harris.

Uh-oh. I think I am outgrowing this slimy series.

What do we know about 29-year-old Jillian, other than that she's Canadian (which means we're going to have to listen to her say "aboot" and "baahthroom" all season long)? Well, in a nifty video montage, we learn that she has a vast bikini collection. She buys hot dogs from street vendors and hungrily devours them. She washes her car in short-shorts and high heels. No wonder America (as host Chris Harrison is intent on repeating) has fallen in love with her! She's Alberta's answer to Daisy Duke! And apparently, she's got a thing for country boys...

In Jillian's noble quest for her Prince Charming/Mr. Right/Mr. Invisible/Soul Mate (she uses all of these cliches interchangably throughout the broadcast), one thing about this mystery dude has already been decided: he's a white guy. Yes, all 30 bachelors are white; not even a token minority in sight. (If you try to convince me that the unaccented, Argentinian-born Juan, at right, is an exception, you'll lose.) Apparently Jillian likes to refer to herself as "a polished hick," so let's not feign surprise at her narrow color spectrum.


Among Jillian's fair-skinned suitors:

• Nutty Tanner P., an unabashed foot fetishist who convinces Jillian to dip her feet in the pool so he can surreptitiously look for corns/toe jam/crooked toes. (He doesn't find any. Damn.)
• Michael, a good-humored break-dancing instructor who is roped into "battling" with a pint-sized wannabe model named Bilbo. (Bilbro? Whatever.)
  
• Kyle, a baby-faced Brooklynite and vintage clothing enthusiast, who makes the mistake of prattling on about his affection for big city life (and is sent home. Nobody likes pretentious 25-year-old boys.)
  
• David, who resembles a skinny, white version of The Rock. Upon stepping out of the limo to introduce himself to Jillian, he completely blanks on what he wanted to say. 20 seconds of silence. Probably the most sincere entrance of the night.

After mingling with the dudes for a while, Jillian remarks that each guy she talks to is better looking than the last. No they're not. That's the wine talking. Finally, Chris Harrison comes in carrying a silver tray. On the tray is a biscuit. On that biscuit, every bachelor must ejaculate. The last one to shoot his wad has to eat the biscuit. {Sigh} If only! It's just the freaking first impression rose, and Jillian gives it to the mute, David.

I don't know what else to say about this stupid, implausible show, which-- with the recent Jason/Molly/Melissa and DeAnna Pappas debacles, is now completely devoid of any semblance of credibility. I can't watch. I won't watch. I don't give a single, solitary shit about it. Not even a turd pellet. Not even a ghost poopy.

I will look elsewhere for my next blogged-about-show to-be.

Get Ready for a BIG Ding-Dong!

(That's what he said.)

OMG, OMG, OMG! The final two Idolists have been revealed, and they are ADAM LAMBERT and KRIS ALLEN! America is on a roll: first we elect Obama, and now the two dudes who actually deserve a shot at the Idol title are going to get it! I admit to not watching the results show (opting instead to watch the Lost season finale, exorbitant # of commercials and all), but here's what I thought of Tuesday night's performances:

Danny Gokey #1: Paula chose the Terence Trent D'arby song "Dance Little Sister." (How ironic that Danny himself can't dance.) Paula said she picked Terence because he became iconic overnight (yeah, because he posed naked on his album cover! Don't go there, Gokey.) For a second I thought Randy was playing sax, but then, upon further inspection, I saw it was just Al Roker. Just kidding, it was some other fat guy. Anyway, the D'arby sentiment was a good one, I think, but the song choice was, nevertheless, wrong. Marc said he always used to skip this track when he would listen to the album. To which I replied, "You actually owned a Terence Trent D'arby album!?" (Also: how do you skip tracks on a cassette tape?)

Kris Allen #1: BFFs Randy and Kara picked One Republic's "Apologize." Monkey-boy sang the whole number sitting at the piano, which I was a tad disappointed by. I would have liked him to start out predictably and then turn the song on its head. It was sound-alike all the way through, albeit a very pleasant sounding sound-alike.

Adam Lambert #1: Cowell chose one of his (and my) favorite songs, U2's "One." I like the soft side of Adam, which was on full display for this song. He looks kind of like a Vulcan. I love his quiet confidence. After this performance, it appeared as if Paula finally realized that Gokey is NOT going to win.

Gokey #2: This dude is so long-winded! He loves to hear himself talk. He picked the pukiest of all puketies-- Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful," a.k.a. the song that Little Rascal Alfalfa sings to his girlfriend. This is the Gokey I loathe: shmaltzy and tight-pantsed and wedding singeresque. His performance improved about halfway through when he busted out the strong vocals, but for me, it was too little too late. That's just my O-pinion, Danny.

Kris #2: Monkey did a solid by choosing Kanye West's "Heartless" for himself. I actually don't know this song so couldn't compare it to anything, but it made me think Kris could be a very sucessful Jason Mraz-y type.

Adam #2: Aerosmith's "Cryin" -- a great music video, BTW. Remember when Alicia Silverstone was THE hot chick? Adam is a natural born rock star. (Did you see him on the cover of EW this week?) Every time he screams, I expect his tongue to be forked.

Rocknrolla

What is under your sunglasses, Slash? Will the public ever know?

Yeah, so, it's Rock Week. The four remaining contestants walk onstage clad in tight black leather, punky hairdos, etc. Except for Gokey, that is, who looks especially boring tonight in a red button-down shirt. Celebrity mentor Slash isn't known for his voice, and he doesn't use it much tonight either. He kind of just... plays guitar and looks cool. That's all well and good for Adam gLambert, who doesn't seem to need advice from anybody...

Adam sings Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love." Who else could pull off Zeppelin, I ask you?! Nobody! Adam sounds as good as (if not better than) Robert Plant himself. He has got some serious rock chops and a whole lotta 'tude. As I correctly surmised during the performance, Ryan tells us this is the first time anyone on Idol has attempted a Zeppelin tune. And probably the last, because that was a really tough act to follow. Poor Allison...

Allison wisely chooses a Janis Joplin number, but unfortunately, it's the unmelodic "Cry, Baby." For me, she slightly underwhelms; it just seems to lack ferocity. The judges don't dig the song choice, which prompts her to get feisty and talk back to them for the first time ever. It kind of looks like she's acting irritated so that she won't cry. Aw.

Okay, now it's time for the first of two duets. Kris and Danny collabortate on "Renegade" by Styx. They look scared and unsure. Kris is doing pretty rockin' maneuvers with the mic stand, but Danny just stands there like a 'tard gesturing with his damn hands again. These guys are totally ignoring each other onstage and the result is lame and boring. Predictably, Simon seizes the opportunity to turn it into a competition and calls Danny out as being better than Kris. What?! Kris is visibly miffed and it makes me think that maybe these two guys don't get along.... Kris Allen's stock just went up a few points in my book.

After the break, Kris attempts to redeem himself with The Beatles' "Come Together." I think it's a bad move to do a Beatles song after TWO WEEKS of Beatles last season, but I think his version is pleasant enough. He's certainly cute enough to be a Beatle; his crooked mouth is really growing on me. But the critiques from the judges are DIRE, and one gets the impression that it's been their plan all along to shank him right before the semifinals. All for the love of...

...Danny Hokey. Afer Kris sang but before they cut to commercial, the camera tried to locate Danny, surrounded by fans in the mosh pit. I could not even see the guy; he blended in with all the nobodies. He's like a fat Where's Waldo. Except instead of stripes, he's wearing chunky, hideous costume jewelry. Ew. Anyway, he sings "Dream On," and it's baaaaaad. The last note (or scream, if you will) is perhaps the worst note uttered by anyone on the Idol stage this year. But does that stop him from donning his usual smug, self-satisfied stare? Uh, no. Here's a question for you: how do the contestants (Danny in particular) avoid pit stains?

Expectations are low for our second duet: Adam and Allison singing "Slow Ride." (I was hoping they'd do "Under Pressure." Lambert needs to get his Bowie on STAT.) Unlike Tweedle Twee and Dweedle Dufus, these two know how to share the stage. They engage with each other. It's brilliant. Love Adam in those tight striped pants, but he needs to get a cod piece if he wants to be a rocker. Especially if he's going to tackle Bowie between now and winning the Idol crown.

The Future's So Bright...

Last night's theme was the Rat Pack, so naturally the celebrity mentor was standards crooner... Jamie Foxx?? I admit to being skeptical at first, especially since the only song I know Jamie for is that one about the gold digger. (He's so 2005.) I guess his Oscar-winning turn portraying Ray Charles gives him some cred among old-timers. I guess. But as it turns out, by keeping it real and not worrying about his own image, Jamie was the best mentor of the season so far.

Kris Allen gave an admittedly safe but awfully charming rendition of "The Way You Look Tonight." Too bad (for his future publicity crew) that he's married.

Allison Iraheta busted a gut with "Someone to Watch Over Me." I am so impressed by this girl's voice and stage presence, especially in light of the wet noodle she appears to be when not singing. I don't fault her for her lack of personality. She's seventeen! Think of the alternative! She could be one of those Miley Cyrus/Jonas Brothers douchey types.

Matt Gir-ODD (yes, he's still here) sang "My Funny Valentine," one of my favorite old standards. Sorry to say, I like Matt Damon's version better. (See: Talented Mr. Ripley)

Danny Hokey started out AWFULLY boring with "Come Rain or Come Shine," and I thought he was destined to a career as a wedding singer. (Also thought, for a sec, that he'd shaved that awful chin fuzz, but it was just the mic blocking my view of the scraggly mop.) Lucky for him (unlucky for us) he really picked it up at the end, and the last 20 seconds or so of his performance was the best I've seen from him all season. So I think that means he'll be around another week or two... darn.

Adam Lambert is sssssmokin' and is seemingly incapable of a shitty performance. He sang "Feeling Good," which has been done on Idol many times before, but never like this. Randy called him theatrical, which is defnitely true, but coming from Adam (as opposed to, say, last season's Sayesha), it doesn't bother me a bit.

Farewell, Golden Child

It's happened. Anoop's storied run on Idol is over. I was really hoping he'd skate passed dull-dull-dull Matt Giraud to make it into the Top Five, if not farther, but let's face it: his song choice was not a popular one. Perhaps the blame belongs to disco. Why do the producers bother with this lame duck genre of music season after season?

I was so bored by the disco theme that I couldn't even be bothered to post about Tuesday's performances until now. I could barely bring myself to scratch out the following on a notepad as I watched:

Lil Rounds: Her hair is even longer this week. Another predictably awful song choice (Chaka Khan - "I'm Every Woman.") This is certainly her last week. Her booty looks fly but she's got some double boob going on. She looks melted and poured into that body suit.

Kris Allen: Sounds like a Carol King-inspired version of a Donna Summer song. He's improved so much since week 1, but he looks super dorky in those shiny gray pants. Simon uses his critiquing time to shit all over Lil for the second time tonight.

Allison Iraheta: If I was a singer, I'd want to sound like her. Not loving the pleather.

Danny Gokey: Smug, dorky, smug, dorky. GAG ME WITH A SPOON, I hate this song ("September" by Earth, Wind & Fire -- carmen-non-grata even at karaoke boxes.) He should be a back-up singer: great voice, zero charisma. Paula is a crackhead if she seriously thinks he'll be in the finale.

I stopped taking notes after that. Tune in next week to see who will be one step closer to becoming the next... White American Idol!

P.S. As Paula's choreographed disco number proved, Anoop and Adam are the best movers!

The Magnificent? Seven

Tonight, under the tutelage of self-proclaimed auteur Quentin Tarantino, the contestants ravish us with "Sounds of the Cinema." Perhaps as a nod to his new WWII movie, Quentin's coiffed himself in the style of Hitler, sans 'stache. And Paula's wearing a diamond-studded scoliosis brace.

The blabbermouth judges jacked it up for us last week, and out of respect for the 9 o'clock time slot, only 2 of them can comment on each performance tonight.

Allison Iruheta: Her Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" sounds kind of flat and toneless. Meh. Too bad, 'cause she could totally rock this Joan Jett-style. As Simon says, though: it was a pretty good version... for a girl.

Anoop Desai tackles "Everything I Do...," the timeless love theme from that cinematic classic, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Anoop takes Quentin's advice to "rough up" the vocals, and the result is Anoop's best vocal to date. He could totally have contributed to the Karate Kid Part II soundtrack! The audience is either booing or saying "Noop! Noop!" Randy and Paula are fans; Simon looks like a petulant child when he doesn't get to comment.

Adam Lambert: In the video clip, QT is creaming himself over this guy. Adam's rendition of "Born to be Wild" is up-tempo, screechy, and frenetic. Sorry to say, I am not digging on Adam this week, although his Axel Rose impression keeps getting better, and his raw talent is undeniable. He can do no wrong in the eyes and ears of the audience (and Paula).

Moley moley moley. Matt Giraud tries to gussy up my personal favorite among Bryan Adams's vast oeuvre, the one about what you have to do to really, really love a woman (wink, wink.) I'll admit that this guy has potential and good taste in music, but I just. don't. like him.

Danny Gokey's got some contact lenses on and looks like a pudgy, less attractive Robert Downey, Jr. QT advises Gokey to cut down on the hand gestures. Oy vey, he's singing "Endless Love." But... wait... I don't hate it. If I close my eyes and imagine him as Brian McKnight, it kind of works for me. And the looking up heavenward (dead wife-ward) as he finishes? (Tear.) (Not mine necessarily, but...)

Hey, why hasn't anyone done any Disney tunes?

Just kidding. Bad idea.

SCORE! Kris Allen wisely chooses the awesomest movie song of the last few years, "Falling Slowly," from Once. QT gives his song choice propers. (I am so thrilled that this song is finally appearing on karaoke box menus, BTW.) Could this kid be any cuter? I have a soft spot for baby monkeys who sing.

One more song of the night, but first... my favorite commercial of the year: "I like square butts and I cannot lie..." Booty is booty.

Lil Rounds's weaves keep getting longer and longer. I think all that hair is interfering with her hearing, because YET AGAIN she's picked an outdated song from bygone years: "The Rose." Snooze... she makes us wait too long for the gospel section, which livens it up a bit. QT gave her some shitty advice, methinks, about "committing" to the traditional opening. Paula didn't even bother to critique her performance, and Simon is losing patience with her lame-o choices.

In the Year 2000....

Tonight's Idol theme is the much loved/much maligned "Songs from the Year They Were Born." Inauspiciously, the oldest contestant is younger than me, born April 24, 1980. Damn you, Gokey!

Danny Gokey sings a very Muzak-inspired arrangement of "Stand by Me," but the judges lap it up. Typical!

Kris Allen (b. 1985) sings that abysmal Don Henley song, "All She Wants to Do is Dance." His version is actually more palatable that Don's, but that ain't sayin much. The judges shit all over him; Simon plays the "indulgent" and "forgettable" cards.

Lil Rounds (b. 1984) does her best Tina Turner impression, singing "What's Love Got to Do with It." I'd never download this; it truly is Tina karaoke. Her song choice keeps getting worse, but her look keeps getting better. LOVE the eye makeup!

Anoop Desai (b. 1986) puts his own soulful, buttery, sexy spin on Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors," and the judges give him his propers. YES. And so far, based on the pictures, he was by far the cutest baby of the bunch. (No surprise there.) I'm voting for you, Bedroom Eyes!

Scott MacIntyre (b. 1985) stands solo with a guitar (!) and sings a ballad I kind of recognize but don't know the name of or the artist. Journey? Survivor? I like it when Scott closes his eyes occasionally instead of that prolonged stare all the time. Still, he didn't quite hit a few of the notes. I also like when he talks back to Simon.

Allison Iraheta (b. 1992) tackles Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" and, with her kool-aid colored hair, is really starting to resemble Brittany Murphy in Clueless (pre-Cher's makeover.) Damn, she was 2 when that movie came out. Freakin crazy. I like this girl though; she's reliable.

Matt Giraud (b. 1985) is a Taurus. Shocker. But the question that wasn't answered: at what age did he grow that forehead mole? He smartly sings a Stevie tune. Not so smartly, it's "Part-time Lover." SUckAgE. But the judges wet themselves over it! Standing O, Paula?!

Adam Lambert (b. 1982) wasn't into sports as a kid. Again, SHOCKER. Also, black isn't his natural hair color. He sings the R.E.M.(?) song from Donnie Darko: "Mad World." It starts a lot like the original, but in the second verse he plays with the phrasing and puts his Lambert flavor in it and stands up from his chair. This kid is going places, I guarantee you. Simon gives him a standing ovation, which I have never seen in three seasons of watching this show.

What does 'Opry' mean anyway?

American Idol: 3.17.09

The theme tonight is Grand Ole Opry. Just so you know up front, I’m not gonna know many of the song choices, so if you missed the show, look elsewhere for the important details.

Michael Sarver: Why, with so many lyrics to sing, does dude think he can afford to direct any of his attention to shaking fands (fan + hands)? He always looks constipated when he sings. I wouldn’t want him to sit on me; those thighs! It’d be pretty devastating for him if he’s voted off during his country week since that’s his hometown genre. But I don’t care; I’m ready for him to go buh-bye.

Alison Iruheta looks super cute tonight! Good job, stylists! I don’t like this genre for her, but I love, love, love her raspy voice. Also love the cutaways of her immigrant padres.

Kris Allen: Oh, I know this song! I think Adele remade it. I had no idea it was a Garth Brooks tune (“To Make You Feel My Love”). OK, I am slowly starting to get this kid’s appeal. He’s got kind of a monkey face though. (BTW, this performance was so Jason Castro.)

Lil Rounds: No, Simon, it’s not “Little,” it’s Lil, as in short for Lily or Lilac or Lilah. I agree with the judges that there was something queer about her song choice. It was too country for her.

Love her anyway.

Adam Lambert: Digging the peacock hairdo. Yikes, not sure this Arabian “Ring of Fire” is working for me. Hmm. Wait a minute. It’s growing on me. It’s brilliant! Simon isn’t hip enough to get it.

A newly coifed Scott MacIntyre plays it safe and spurs a lengthy argument between Paula and Simon over whether he should try performing sans piano. I think Simon’s right on this one: just pick better songs, man.

Alexis Grace: Pitchy, dawg, real pitchy. I think they’re all coached to say “I had fun” when the judges shit on them.

It's kind of fun to see straight-A student Danny Gokey choke again and again in his "Practice with Randy Travis" video clip. As for tonight's performance of "Jesus Take the Wheel," the verses left me cold but he did okay with the chorus. I gotta say, I liked this song a lot more when Lakisha Jones sang it (Flinttown, represent!) There's something smug behind his smile.

Anoop Desai reaches full-on hunk status singing Willie Nelson's "You Were Always On My Mind." Oh, those eyes! Those silky vocals! Like buttah.

Megan Joy (no Corkrey) puts her own spin on a very spun Patsy Cline tune and sounds crazier than ever. It's awful. The stylists must've advised her to skip the bra tonight because they know that's her only chance to advance. I cannot BELIEVE she keeps getting favorable feedback from all four judges. WTF?! (To be fair, I guess I should mention she has influenza B.)

Matt Giraud attempts to make a Carrie Underwood song "a more heartfelt version." Ouch, sorry, Carrie. The piano playing elevates the performance, but I don't love it.

Let's put the kibosh on the white-washing of this competition (I miss you, Jorge!): Tonight I'm voting for Lil, Alison and Anoop, foremost for their vocals but also cuz I like at least a little bit of color in my Idol. Word.

American Idol Does Jacko

Sure, sure... I was excited to see the Top 13 perform... but I was NOT prepared for an entire night of Michael Jackson songs! A 2-hour Michael Jackson event! SHAMON! The only disappointment was realizing that the King of Pop himself would not be there to mentor the notestants. Because he's holed up in his Bruneian castle tower knitting Prince Michael, Paris and Blanket some new butterfly masks.

• First up is Lil Rounds and her very round booty singing "(The Way You) Make Me Feel." To me, it sounds pretty dated, and it's always lame when someone has to change all the "girls" to "boys" to suit their hetero persona (She also had to sing, "Hey pretty baby, got my high heels on.") The judges love it, but hate what she's wearing. Here's a lil' tip, Lil: Don't take fashion (or make-up) advice from Paula, who tonight looks like she got dressed to audition for the role of Jareth the Goblin King. Or maybe a Dark Crystal muppet.
  

• Scott McIntyre chooses "Keep the Faith," which he performs at the piano. I like his obscure song choice, but the judges play him. Love ya, Scott, but... somebody get this man a haircut! Don't they have stylists on staff? He can't see; help him!
  

• Mr. Church Camp, Danny Gokey, singing "P.Y.T." with a whole lotta soul and some seriously chatty dancing. The judges lap it up, but I am underwhelmed.

• Big country boy Michael singing "You Are Not Alone," which, in the words of Paula, is a "distinctually perfect" song choice for him.

• Jasmine Murray skates close to the wall by choosing "I'll Be There," which is Jackson Five, but whatever.

• Kris Allen sings "Remember the Time," a song we've all been trying to forget since the Eddie Murphy music video. Too bad he picked such a dud because his voice is well-suited for the MJJ canon, as he demonstrated with his performance of "Man in the Mirror" in the middle rounds.
  

• Alison Iruheta sings the underrated "Give in to Me" from the Dangerous album. I really like her rocker edge. She could totally record this song and make it the hit it never was for Michael. I also like how she completely sticks her foot in her mouth and/or flubs everytime she has to talk as herself or answer a question. Rock on, girl!

• Anoop Dawg is an only child! I knew I liked him. His mom is super-chic, too. His rendition of "Beat It" is way better than the version I sing at karaoke, but Paula called his version "karaoke" anyway. I think I heard him screw up one of the lyrics, too. I agree with Simon that it lacked agression. But gee, Anoop sure is cute. He's gotta get out of his frat boy comfort zone and bring it next week.

• Adorable Jorge Nunez is the second person to select a Jackson Five tune: "Never Can Say Goodbye," a goodie. I love this kid's voice and the judges are stupid. Note to the Kara, et. al.: stop using the "Maybe because it's your second language..." thing as your go-to critique of Jorge.

• A pretty blond single mama named Megan is next. Why does she feel the need to use her middle name (Joy) with a surname like Corkrey? And "Rockin' Robin?" Seriously? She looks like she can't quite believe it herself!

• Future rock band front man Adam Lambert is so comfortable on stage that he takes a mini-pause while singin' "Black or White" to shake some fan-girls' hands. I kind of like his Guns N Roses take on this song. He's one of the best tonight.

• Matt G takes a bite out of "Human Nature" and I am disappointed there aren't 12 more singers to go, 'cause we all know Jacko's got the song library to back them up. Matt does a fine job from behind the piano, but I can't help thinking the producers F'ed up by not making Adam's performance tonight's finale.

Crap, there's still one more. I was thinking there were only 12 of them. Can you tell I'm typing this as I'm watching? Lord knows I need something to do during commercials besides raid the cupboards.

• Alexis Grace sings "Dirty Diana" rather breathlessly (that song has a lot of lyrics) but I kind of like the Ani DiFranco-esque vibe she brings to it. And I'm really thankful she didn't change it to "Dirty Duane."

To lure us away from the concurrent broadcast of "Lost," Seacrest reveals that tomorrow night's results show will feature a surprise format change. I really hope Simon's gonna have to sing.

The Bachelor Finale and its ancillary broadcasts

Air date: 3/2/09 & 3/3/09


Stupid monkey! You're supposed to pick one pretty lady!

It's all over popular media, so unless you're one of those snobby bougies who listen only to NPR and have their browser default set to Salon.com, you've no doubt heard what makes Seattle's Jason Mesnick THE. WORST. BACHELOR. EVER.

When we'd last spent a Monday night with Jason, he'd narrowed his choice of fiancee down to two nubile and sporty ladies in their mid 20s: Melissa (a brunette with puppy dog eyes) and Molly (a blond with kitty cat eyes.) In tonight's finale, he introduced both "amazing women" to his toddler son, Ty. Jason has said repeatedly throughout this season that he couldn't fall in love with someone until he'd seen how they were with Ty. Wouldn't it be AWESOME if Ty got a bad mommy vibe from one of these two women and gave her the cold shoulder, thus making Jason's decision for him...? Yeah, that didn't happen. They all played nice together and the show's first hour was incredibly droll. Even their final date, during which a half-naked Molly gave a half-naked Jason a hot oil rubdown from the full mount position, couldn't have been any less sexy. (I blame Jason's complete lack of sex appeal, but the florescent lighting certainly didn't help.) The morning of the final rose ceremony, Jason laments in voice-over that he's in love with two women and that he never in a million years expected this to happen. Seriously, dude? Have you not seen this show before?

Yada Yada Yada... some other "dramatic" bullshit happens, and near the end of the very long two-hour broadcast, Jason ends up sending Molly home. She immediately starts repeating the refrain "You're making a big mistake" and staring him down with her penetrating green cat eyes. This must have been the part where she put her voodoo curse on him. During her loser's limo ride, she kept saying it to the off-camera person sitting across from her (ostensibly some kind of mental health professional?): "He's making a HUGE mistake..." Back at his bachelor pad, Jason proceeds to lose his shit, crying so hard it looks like he might hurl himself off the balcony (or just hurl.) When Melissa finally shows up (looking very pretty, I might add, in a springy yellow gown), he pretends to be happy about proposing to her. She accepts, and they all (Ty is there, too, donning a bow-tie) do a back flip into the pool with their fancy clothes on.

Don't get too excited.

Fast forward six weeks (in the span of a single commercial break) to the "After the Final Rose" special. Here's Chris Harrison standing on an empty stage and telling us the lack of studio audience is due to the premise that tonight's show will be SO EMOTIONAL that they've kept things as intimate as possible. (Am I the only one who thought somebody died tragically? But, no. If only.) Jason tells Chris that -- after six weeks of long-distance romance with fiancee Melissa -- he has realized they're "not right for each other." "The chemistry's changed." "I can't stop thinking about Molly." Oh, REALLY? So they bring poor Melissa out, who must sense something is awry but seems in the dark about what it might be. Old boy breaks up with her right then and there, with Chris Harrison sitting an arm's length away. Melissa's reaction is poised but honest. She looks at her hands and mutters to herself, "You are such a bastard." BINGO.

It gets worse. After they send Melissa packing sans engagement rock, they bring out cast-off Molly, who has no clue what's just happened because she's been sequestered in some soundproof hoochie box. With Chris Harrison attempting to facilitate this debacle civilly, Jason tells her he's just broken up with Melissa; that he thinks he made a mistake when he sent her (Molly) home. Molly at first feigns sympathy for Melissa, and for an instant it seems like she is thinking what millions of viewers are thinking about her former paramour (i.e., "you douche bag".) But as soon as Jason turns his cheeseball dial up to its usual resting place of maximum overdrive, and starts laying on the goo about how he's still in love with her, he gets her total buy-in. Not only does she look ecstatic about this news, she very artfully slips him the tongue. They proceed to make out right then and there. What?! When the show ends, it appears as if Jason and Molly are going to leave the studio and go directly to Jason's hotel room to shag. Molly, Molly, Molly... ever heard the term "player hater?" Well you're the only one not hating this PLAYA! Boo!

UPDATE: In March 3rd's "After the Final Rose: Part II", viewers were propelled another 6 weeks into the future, this time with a (surprisingly forgiving) studio audience present. Jason and Molly are still together, and they're making plans for Molly to leave her home in Michigan and move to Seattle. Melissa, smartly, declined the invitation to appear on this special, but sent a very mature message through Chris Harrison saying she doesn't regret anything that happened because she's learned a lot from it. I am so relieved that she was NOT revealed as the next Bachelorette. That distinction belongs to 2nd runner-up Jillian, with whom Jason got freaky-deaky in the hot tub, and then dumped because he got too much of a "friend vibe" from her. Incidentally, Jason is now calling Molly his "best friend," which I'm pretty sure is what Jillian was trying to tell him he needed ("At the end of the day, you're going to want to be with your best friend...") right before and after he dropped her on her friendly, Canadian-accented ass.

Which reminds me, do reality show contestants attend a crash-course that teaches them all to use the same cliches and platitudes in their speech? On any given reality show (Top Chef, Real Housewives, Survivor, The Bachelor) on any given day, I guarantee you will hear each of the follwing at least once:
"...threw me under the bus..."
"At the end of the day...."
"It is what it is."

PAQs

Question: Why am I starting a blog about the TV shows I watch?

Answer1: To justify watching them.

Answer2: Because I'm sick of my television-less friends (you know who you are, losers) never knowing what the hell I'm talking about when I talk about TV. (Read: When I talk.)

Answer3: Because I am underemployed and overindulged.


Question: Isn't this just going to be a po' man's version of TelevisionWithoutPity.com?

Answer1: That site ain't even funny anymore.

Answer2: That site sold out to The Man.

Answer3: In essence, yes.


Question: What does "PAQ" stand for, anyway?

Answer1: Potentially Asked Question

Answer2: Preemptively Answered Question

Answer3: Plumber's Ass Qurack